Never have I expected this melancholic feeling when I have just kind of found a job and geting out of school.
I thought that I would be glad and relieved that I am finally completing my 4 years of studies. It was a long journey. I'm proud to have completed it. But, I'm very stressed lately... partially because of school but those kind of stress is manageable. What is not.. is this feeling of uncertainty. It's really tiring to be considering which industry to go into. My mind was in a mess because I was really in a dilemma, choosing one out of two industries. Today, I have finally decided on one, the oil & gas industry. And after speaking to my Strategy Prof, I've a goal to work towards. Meanwhile, I need to get an MBA. I'm really not confident if I will be able to get a good MBA with my poor results :x Next step is to draw out my 5-year plan. so that i can review it each time i lose my way...
Deciding on the first step towards my career is .. intimidating. I'm feeling kind of depressed now. It's a mixed feeling. I feel glad that I don't have to study anymore but I feel depressed too because I will no longer enjoy the luxury of school holidays, and having time to travel around and have fun. I don't want to travel just for 1 week. I want to travel and live with people I make from the other countries and get to know about their culture. That I believe will still be attainable because there will be overseas opportunities but the fun part won't really be the same anymore.
I was watching Ayaka's video of us having fun at Martin's apartment. I was drunk that night and a huge part of it is captured in a video. It is one of those crazy nights that could make student life a history worthy to remember. I want to be enjoying too but I have to think about my career and work towards more which I want to achieve in life... There are just too many considerations and thoughts flowing in my mind these two days that make me feel kind of lost and stressed.
I'm not feeling the joy of graduation. Somehow it feels like.. I'm just going for an internship role or something but it's not. This feeling of surreal always happen. It reminds me of the day I left Korea. I was waiting for the airport bus with most of my friends who were there to send me off. It didn't feel real that I was leaving that place for good. I remember Phillipp asked if I felt sad. I said not yet. And he asked if it was surreal. and yea, it was true. It didn't feel real. After I board the bus, it suddenly came to my realization that I'm alone and I'm leaving the place. Then I was crying on the bus.
It's the same kind of feeling that I'm experiencing now. I don't know how my future would turn out to be. Accepting a job offer is a big decision. Right now, to me it is. Perhaps not for my Profs or those who have been in the working life for a long time. I seem to keep hearing my profs telling me, "yea, just try."
I really need to attend the commencement in June first before I can feel motivated again. It's really important to celebrate milestones in life, isn't it? From the last day of my exams to the first day of work, I have one week. I can spare around 3 or 4 days away from Singapore to seek some peace and time for reflection and to get recharged before the start of my working life. The road ahead seems endless... I really have to set some goals and plan my route in order to guide myself towards my goals.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Time to work
So what now after 4 years of studies?
I can't seem to decide on what I want to do. I just want to travel, and work at the same time or do something challenging which allows me to travel at the same time. I can be a travel blogger but then I have to earn enough to clear my school loans. That's pretty shitty isn't it? I wish I have had scholarship so I don't need to bother about $$ problems now.
Doing sales seems to be the way to go if I want to earn lots of $. But if I pursue passion, then I won't earn that much. Dilemma~
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I can't seem to decide on what I want to do. I just want to travel, and work at the same time or do something challenging which allows me to travel at the same time. I can be a travel blogger but then I have to earn enough to clear my school loans. That's pretty shitty isn't it? I wish I have had scholarship so I don't need to bother about $$ problems now.
Doing sales seems to be the way to go if I want to earn lots of $. But if I pursue passion, then I won't earn that much. Dilemma~
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Humans
I daydream quite a bit and many times, I will have flashbacks of some moments in Korea. Some were insane moments and many are my regrets too. There are things which I could have or have not done and things might end differently. Though it has been more than 6 months since I came back from Korea, I still do feel the same kind of regret or anxiety when I think about them.
There were several moments of my life when I found myself screaming "This is crazy!!" in my head. Those were the times when I behaved differently from my nature and do things that I had never imagined myself to do. Those were also times when I test myself for boundaries, limits and some times, tolerance.
Anyway, I was having a chat with a colleague yesterday. He is definitely one of those ordinary people and soon to be doing extraordinary things. The first time I saw him, he came across to me as a typical 'lao beng' i.e. an ex-gangster, not highly educated and think only about girls, making money and mischievous things. But after I got to know him, I found that he's a faithful husband, someone who possesses such strong values, and has a drive to live each day as simply as possible, waking up in the morning, going to work, and coming home to rest in the evening. He is so contented leading a simple life with his wife and earning a rather stable income from his venture. He's blessed with an opportunity to work with the yellow ribbon project and of course, he appreciates it. He will be able to help the ex-convicts find another chance in life.
We then talked about societal status. He said, "a person's worth is define by his/her personal values and the value which the society grants him/her." Someone could be a doctor, with high societal status, but with little respect for people around him when he bosses around and treats his subordinates as if they were his slaves just because he knows that he is a doctor and therefore feels that he has the right to mistreat others. There are really people like these who exist. There is a flaw, or perhaps a lot of it, in this whole sociology thing but there's little that we can do about it.
There were several moments of my life when I found myself screaming "This is crazy!!" in my head. Those were the times when I behaved differently from my nature and do things that I had never imagined myself to do. Those were also times when I test myself for boundaries, limits and some times, tolerance.
Anyway, I was having a chat with a colleague yesterday. He is definitely one of those ordinary people and soon to be doing extraordinary things. The first time I saw him, he came across to me as a typical 'lao beng' i.e. an ex-gangster, not highly educated and think only about girls, making money and mischievous things. But after I got to know him, I found that he's a faithful husband, someone who possesses such strong values, and has a drive to live each day as simply as possible, waking up in the morning, going to work, and coming home to rest in the evening. He is so contented leading a simple life with his wife and earning a rather stable income from his venture. He's blessed with an opportunity to work with the yellow ribbon project and of course, he appreciates it. He will be able to help the ex-convicts find another chance in life.
We then talked about societal status. He said, "a person's worth is define by his/her personal values and the value which the society grants him/her." Someone could be a doctor, with high societal status, but with little respect for people around him when he bosses around and treats his subordinates as if they were his slaves just because he knows that he is a doctor and therefore feels that he has the right to mistreat others. There are really people like these who exist. There is a flaw, or perhaps a lot of it, in this whole sociology thing but there's little that we can do about it.
Monday, January 30, 2012
relationships.
Gladys was telling me that we put on weight. LOL. and she was kind of shocked to realised it. But well, I realised it as soon as I came back from Korea. I put on so much weight in Korea! Time to lose some...
Anyways. I was reading some of my previous entries before I left Korea and it is amazing to realise that it was true that my plan was to get married by age 29 and how it has changed since Korea. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I miss the feeling of having someone beside me whom I can talk to. The feeling of having someone special next to me is occurring so rarely in my daily life in Singapore. There is a possibility that I am becoming more fond of traveling because it is when I travel that I don't feel lonely. It is possible that because I am single, most of the time, when I'm in my home country, I tend to increasingly love going overseas. Somehow I was more emotionally attached to people when I was abroad. Whereas in Singapore, I am perfectly fine being single and not be emotionally attached to anyone. It's really... strange.
Mindsets changed within such short span of time. I have changed a lot and it is because I have experienced many things for the past one year. During the CNY holidays, I met some of my friends whom I meet just once a year. From the way they behave, I think they haven't changed a wee bit. Experiences are really quite a key determinant then in forming people's perception about things in life and hence affecting behaviour. Bouf. I am on my way to becoming a psychologist now! woohoo bullshit.
My friend was telling me about a friend of ours who regretted the decision he made to give up on a relationship. I guess regrets are necessary so that we learn to cherish what we have now but... still, humans are never contented with what they have. It's such a stupid vicious cycle that we are aware of and yet we fail to outgrow it; maybe until the age of >40 before we finally realise that life's too short to continuing wasting!
A close uni friend of mine is looking for a gf now after being single for the past 4 years. Lol. yea, it's time. perhaps for me too. but the whole process of finding a date or a boyfriend is too much a chore for me. really. well, my friend said that I may be single now but it could be as fast as lightning that I am marrying somebody as soon as I meet the right one. what a funny way to describe it. LOL.
It is kind of upsetting to know that a friend whom I used to go out with is kind of avoiding me because of fear of awkwardness we may feel if we see each other again. Honestly, to me, it is the past and there should not be anything more than friendship between us now. Perhaps, there is nothing to feel awkward about. Perhaps, I am wrong. Or perhaps, it's good that he cares about it. I just wish for no complications.
Oh putain de merde...
Anyways. I was reading some of my previous entries before I left Korea and it is amazing to realise that it was true that my plan was to get married by age 29 and how it has changed since Korea. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I miss the feeling of having someone beside me whom I can talk to. The feeling of having someone special next to me is occurring so rarely in my daily life in Singapore. There is a possibility that I am becoming more fond of traveling because it is when I travel that I don't feel lonely. It is possible that because I am single, most of the time, when I'm in my home country, I tend to increasingly love going overseas. Somehow I was more emotionally attached to people when I was abroad. Whereas in Singapore, I am perfectly fine being single and not be emotionally attached to anyone. It's really... strange.
Mindsets changed within such short span of time. I have changed a lot and it is because I have experienced many things for the past one year. During the CNY holidays, I met some of my friends whom I meet just once a year. From the way they behave, I think they haven't changed a wee bit. Experiences are really quite a key determinant then in forming people's perception about things in life and hence affecting behaviour. Bouf. I am on my way to becoming a psychologist now! woohoo bullshit.
My friend was telling me about a friend of ours who regretted the decision he made to give up on a relationship. I guess regrets are necessary so that we learn to cherish what we have now but... still, humans are never contented with what they have. It's such a stupid vicious cycle that we are aware of and yet we fail to outgrow it; maybe until the age of >40 before we finally realise that life's too short to continuing wasting!
A close uni friend of mine is looking for a gf now after being single for the past 4 years. Lol. yea, it's time. perhaps for me too. but the whole process of finding a date or a boyfriend is too much a chore for me. really. well, my friend said that I may be single now but it could be as fast as lightning that I am marrying somebody as soon as I meet the right one. what a funny way to describe it. LOL.
It is kind of upsetting to know that a friend whom I used to go out with is kind of avoiding me because of fear of awkwardness we may feel if we see each other again. Honestly, to me, it is the past and there should not be anything more than friendship between us now. Perhaps, there is nothing to feel awkward about. Perhaps, I am wrong. Or perhaps, it's good that he cares about it. I just wish for no complications.
Oh putain de merde...
Saturday, January 21, 2012
What do I want
After my exchange in korea, I have began to look at life in a different angle. I yearn for more than a simple life in singapore. I want to work overseas. I won't be satisfied with just getting married at age of 29 and having two kids and a stable job. I want to move out of this country. I want to pick up french and be fluent in korean and perhaps many other languages. I want to work with people from different countries and getting to know them and experience living in different countries. I demand more than what I had wanted before exchange.
Meeting the europeans
Following korea, my next stop was Europe. Smucc had the opportunity to go to Prague for a competition and of course, I grabbed this opportunity to extend my Europe trip to meet up with my i-house mates.
Prague was beautiful. Every single town was filled with beautiful, history-rich and old gothic buildings. They have so many old cathedrals. Paths were made of stones making it almost impossible to walk on my high-heel boots. The people there were not very friendly. The atmosphere was a little melancholic. Everyone seemed to just care about doing what they need to get past that day.
Following our competition which we achieved Gold for both categories, we left on a bus to C'esky Krumlov. It really looked like a place where the sleeping beauty or snow white lives. There were rows of small and colourful houses along stoned pavements. So pretty! It's a small town filled with colorful houses and a grand
castle just like where one of those fairytale princesses would live. From the top of the castle, we could see a spectacular view of C'esky Krumlov!
After Prague, it was tine to meet Nico at Paris! Kenken and glad went with me :) we took a plane to paris. It was so great and strange at the same time to see nico this time, in France! His country. If there is one word to describe Paris, it's majestic. And one word to describe Parisian, it's weird. As nico drove us to his place, there was just one thing that bothered me and that was the dirtiness of the streets. I recalled each time I see short videos of Paris on screen, it was the eiffel tower and all the nice buildings filmed without the view of the ground. Simply because it's dirty. They were stained with white patches by chewing gums, akiko said. The buildings like Arc de Triomph and statues of famous warriors in the middle of round-a-bouts and alongside bridges were majestic, spelt with a capital M.
We drove past moulin rouge too!!! So excited!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Prague was beautiful. Every single town was filled with beautiful, history-rich and old gothic buildings. They have so many old cathedrals. Paths were made of stones making it almost impossible to walk on my high-heel boots. The people there were not very friendly. The atmosphere was a little melancholic. Everyone seemed to just care about doing what they need to get past that day.
Following our competition which we achieved Gold for both categories, we left on a bus to C'esky Krumlov. It really looked like a place where the sleeping beauty or snow white lives. There were rows of small and colourful houses along stoned pavements. So pretty! It's a small town filled with colorful houses and a grand
castle just like where one of those fairytale princesses would live. From the top of the castle, we could see a spectacular view of C'esky Krumlov!
After Prague, it was tine to meet Nico at Paris! Kenken and glad went with me :) we took a plane to paris. It was so great and strange at the same time to see nico this time, in France! His country. If there is one word to describe Paris, it's majestic. And one word to describe Parisian, it's weird. As nico drove us to his place, there was just one thing that bothered me and that was the dirtiness of the streets. I recalled each time I see short videos of Paris on screen, it was the eiffel tower and all the nice buildings filmed without the view of the ground. Simply because it's dirty. They were stained with white patches by chewing gums, akiko said. The buildings like Arc de Triomph and statues of famous warriors in the middle of round-a-bouts and alongside bridges were majestic, spelt with a capital M.
We drove past moulin rouge too!!! So excited!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Back to reality; start of school term
one week after the start of a whole new semester...
I'm glad this first week has been great. somehow, I'm able to speak up more in class now than in previous semesters. I've been seeing exchange students around and would really love to hang out with them someday. it would remind me so much of my exchange life in Seoul..
I'm really excited about my trip to Europe in December. but at the same time, I'm also worried about my accomodation at my friends' place and spending too much time in Germany. The thing is... december is 4 months away from now. Nobody will know how will the situation be like then. What if my friends get attached, wouldn't it be strange for me to bunk in at their apartment?
Meeting Nico, martin and ayaka have been great. It's really awesome to see these people again because it makes me feel that the time I spent in Korea was not unreal; it was not a dream. The friends I made during exchange are a part of me now.
I miss Korea, Ewha, Ihouse, 7th floor kitchen, my room, my roommate, my neighbours, my friends, the food, the shopping so much..... and above all, the freedom and living in a foreign island with all my new found friends who got so close with me over a period of weeks and months resulted in a state of excitement. Because we were away from home, we were daring. We did all we wanted to do. No fear, almost no shame, and absolutely no barrier. Nothing stopped us from doing what we wanted. No reasons or excuses required. How thrilling is that? Learning new things EVERYDAY from the people I met there who grew up in such different environment and culture as me.
In any case, as much as I miss my life in Korea, I have to look forward and I hope I am. I am looking forward to my trip in Europe, possibly a 6 month internship after that, graduation, searching for my ideal job, earning money and finally travel around again. That is my motivation.
I'm glad this first week has been great. somehow, I'm able to speak up more in class now than in previous semesters. I've been seeing exchange students around and would really love to hang out with them someday. it would remind me so much of my exchange life in Seoul..
I'm really excited about my trip to Europe in December. but at the same time, I'm also worried about my accomodation at my friends' place and spending too much time in Germany. The thing is... december is 4 months away from now. Nobody will know how will the situation be like then. What if my friends get attached, wouldn't it be strange for me to bunk in at their apartment?
Meeting Nico, martin and ayaka have been great. It's really awesome to see these people again because it makes me feel that the time I spent in Korea was not unreal; it was not a dream. The friends I made during exchange are a part of me now.
I miss Korea, Ewha, Ihouse, 7th floor kitchen, my room, my roommate, my neighbours, my friends, the food, the shopping so much..... and above all, the freedom and living in a foreign island with all my new found friends who got so close with me over a period of weeks and months resulted in a state of excitement. Because we were away from home, we were daring. We did all we wanted to do. No fear, almost no shame, and absolutely no barrier. Nothing stopped us from doing what we wanted. No reasons or excuses required. How thrilling is that? Learning new things EVERYDAY from the people I met there who grew up in such different environment and culture as me.
In any case, as much as I miss my life in Korea, I have to look forward and I hope I am. I am looking forward to my trip in Europe, possibly a 6 month internship after that, graduation, searching for my ideal job, earning money and finally travel around again. That is my motivation.
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